Wednesday, November 21, 2012

I'm not teaching my daughters to be "nice." I'm teaching them how to be appropriate.

I said this to a friend the other day and his response was, "That doesn't make any sense. How is she supposed to know what's appropriate?"

It's actually the ambiguity of the word that I was drawn to. Because really, there is no single behavior that works in all situations. You would think that "nice" would be it, but let's take a closer look:

nice
1. pleasing; agreeable; delightful: a nice visit.
2. amiably pleasant; kind: They are always nice to strangers.



I knew this word would be problematic when my daughters started accusing me of being "not nice" whenever I enforced consequences that they weren't happy with, such as withholding dessert if they didn't eat dinner, or leaving a restaurant if they were incapable of appropriate behavior.

My suspicion was confirmed when my 3-year-old revealed that nearly every day at daycare, she played with a classmate whose actions made her uncomfortable. He was a nice kid, not mean-spirited, but he always wanted to play "shoot," where he would make a gun with his hand and shoot at her. (More on guns and gun-play later; but for now just know that she did not like this game.)
"Maybe next time you can tell him you don't want to play that game, and suggest another game instead," I offered. 
"I did, but he never wants to play other games."
"Well, I think it's important to play a game you will both enjoy. If he insists on playing games that upset you, you can stop playing with him and spend time with other friends instead." 
"But it's not nice to not play with someone! My teacher said it's mean!"
For a second I perturbed by the fact that her teacher would classify her wish not to engage in activities she was uncomfortable with as "mean." But then I remembered that I've probably told her almost the exact same thing at one time or another. It was then that I realized that I had been dividing the world into tidy categories of "nice" and "not nice," which is a simple and effective way to set behavior expectations for a toddler, at least within a very narrow context.

What it does not do, is prepare the child to evaluate new situations and determine the best course of action.

It's like teaching a kid to memorize multiplication tables before they understand what multiplication is, conceptually. Yes, 4 x 5 = 20. But do you understand why?

A child that understands the process of arriving that answer will be able to figure out what 11 x 5 is on her own. A child who only knows the answer because he memorized it won't have the tools necessarily to figure out problems he hasn't already seen and memorized the answer to. In the long run, understanding the process is more important than knowing the answer.

And so it goes with behavior and socialization.

My daughter and I had a long conversation about what it means to be kind to others, and how to balance that with her own right to feel safe and enjoy herself. I haven't removed the word "nice" from my vocabulary, but I do try to reserve it for when she's already thought about the specific situation, relationships, and emotions in play. The directive to "be nice," on its own, is meaningless without the rationale behind it.

Over time, she and her sister will  learn to recognize that people have different tastes and tolerances, and that while it's perfectly OK to have negative feelings like fear and anger, they should be in the habit of thinking things through to determine if what they're doing is ultimately the best course of action for themselves, their friends, their communities, and the world.

This is a fairly complex concept to a 3-year-old, but it's one that takes years to really understand and practice with competence. Best that we start practicing now.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

GameStop, you disappoint me.


When I heard that GameStop was opening new "GameStop Kids" popup stores around the country in time for the holidays, I was psyched! With all the positive attention video games have been getting lately, maybe they're starting to recognize the awesome potential market for games and gaming spaces for younger kids. I imagined browsing shelves lined with video games that might be appropriate for a pre-schooler, like LEGO Harry Potter, or Monkey Quest, or maybe some newer stuff I've never heard of. Perhaps they'd be intermingled with table games and puzzles and all kinds of products that trigger the same kinds of challenges and benefits that many video games do. Awesome!

Turns out most of the products that will be sold at GameStop Kids are game-themed accessories and paraphernalia. In fact, CEO Paul Raines said, "This is really a way for us to take share away from people who are in the toy business."

Oh. Well, not quite what I had in mind, but that could still be cool, assuming you carry products that are unique and fun for kids. So, what kinds of toys do you have?


Really? I mean, I love Doctor Who, but I think the only thing that would interest my child less than attempting to drink from a TARDIS mug would be collecting it. Next?



These things are ubiquitous, I can get them anywhere. I can get them at my grocery store. Next.



It's Moist! Oh wait, no. Next!



Jesus. Ok, I know there are kids out there who have cell phones, but since when is an Android case considered a kids' product?




Obviously this is not a "KIDS" store. I don't even know why they called it that. It is a play for the video game toy market--effectively a way for the business to add to its bottom line without really adding much value.

And it's a shame, because I think there's a market for a store like the one I was imagining. A store that's chock full of games designed just for kids, where you can find not just kid-friendly video games but table games, 3D puzzles, maybe a book of math riddles and some of those iron twisty things that you have to pull apart and put back together without a blowtorch. Some open space for kids and parents to try out the games, maybe some computers and consol stations set up to try out new video game titles. There could be classes and game nights (that start at 3pm) and a chess club that teaches strategy to 4th graders!

I would totally shop at a store like that. Wouldn't you? Come on GameStop. You're almost onto something good.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Discipline and Skill Building (or, how to get your kid to go the f**k to sleep)

For the longest time I treated my 4-year-old daughter's refusal to go to bed at night as a discipline problem. And it was, just not in the sense that she was intentionally going against my wishes, but in the sense that she lacked the discipline necessary to fall asleep.

I can relate-- most nights I have trouble falling asleep myself. I find it difficult to quiet my mind for long enough to drift off. There's always some idea, or something I had to do, that snaps my mind back into wakefulness. When it happens to adults we call it stress, but when it happens to our kids, we treat them as though they're misbehaving. (Incidentally, trouble falling asleep at night is one sign of an intelligent child.)

We often use the term "discipline problems" as a euphemism for behavioral issues. But discipline is an internally developed skill. Avoidance of punishment is one possible motivation, but in the long run, not a very effective one. No wonder instructions like, "Listen, tonight at bedtime, I want you to lie in bed QUIETLY. No jumping around, no games with your sister, no getting up and playing with your toys. Just stay in bed and Go. To. SLEEP."

She would say, "I don't want to!" but the truth is, she just didn't know how.

Kids WANT to learn. As much as we want them to stay little, they want to grow up and become bigger, smarter, faster, better than they currently are.

My daughter started sleeping much better the day I told her, "We're going to practice falling asleep tonight. It can be really hard sometimes, but if you practice, you'll get better and better at it, just like writing your name or climbing the big ladder at the park. It'll take a little while, but I KNOW you can do it."

Where discipline techniques fail, faith and encouragement prevail.