I assure you there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.

Such a cliche, but so true: They grow up so fast. Kayla's 6-month birthday came and went. She hardly seems like a baby sometimes. It often feels more natural to refer to her as "my kid." She can scoot around on her tummy, lift herself onto all fours, and sit for short periods of time without support. She is probably days away from crawling. She bores easily, but remains cheerful and interactive as long as she has something new and interesting to hold her attention. And the other day, she gave her first hickey.

Don't worry, she gave it to me. She was having trouble getting to sleep, I suspect due to some teething pain. She didn't want to nurse, rocking wasn't helping, and she would only chew on her teether for a few minutes before crying again. I scooped her up in my arms to comfort her and she latched onto my neck. When I tried to give her a pacifier she just kept spitting out. So I let her suckle on my neck for a few minutes and she finally fell asleep.

The next morning I noticed the hickey. I wore a high-collared shirt to work and figured no one would notice. I told one co-worker the story and she laughed. Later that day while sitting around with 5 or 6 other co-workers I said to her, "I can't believe no one noticed the hickey." She said, "No one noticed, or no one said anything?" So I asked the group and they all said, "Oh yeah, I noticed, but I didn't want to say anything."

I explained how I got the hickey putting Kayla to sleep and not in some frenzied teenage make-out session, and went home wondering how many of the dozens of people (co-workers, bosses, vendors, strangers) I'd interacted with that day now have a hysterically inaccurate idea of what my weekend was like.

And how was your Thanksgiving weekend?

I have a separate mini-freezer where we keep all the extra milk that I pump to feed Kayla while I'm at work. It took me months to build up the supply, and we had enough in there to feed her for about a week if I wasn't able to for any reason. On Tuesday, Hubby must have not closed the door all the way when he got some out for her while I was at work, because on Wednesday when I went to put some away, the door was open a crack and all the milk was thawed or mostly thawed. You can't refreeze it once it's thawed, so we lost all of it.

I have been a cow all weekend trying to build the supply back up, but I had a nice balance going before & I'm basically forcing myself into over-production to try to build up enough to make sure she can eat the next time I'm away for 12 hours.

I hate modern life. This would be so much easier if I lived in a hut and could just carry her around with me all day while I gather berries.

Pumpin' in the Girl's Room

I had an interesting first-day-back-in-the-office today.

I'd forgotten how much commuting sucks. People who push, people who don't shower, people who listen to their music so loud it defeats the purpose of headphones, people who say stupid, offensive things loud enough for everyone to hear, people who hand out religious literature, and people who wear huge backpacks but move as though they don't. Oh, how I haven't missed you fuckers.

The Challenge of the Day was to figure out the logistics of pumping at work. I'd never been separated from Kayla for so long before, and I'd previously only pumped in comfort of my own home (and a few times in the car). The conference rooms were being used and I don't have an office with a door that closes, so I locked myself in the over-sized handicap-accessible stall in the lady's room and went to work.

It wasn't as disgusting as I'd anticipated. The bathrooms at my office are quite nice and well-maintained. They were renovated a few months ago and are extremely clean, unlike some of the nasty ghetto bathrooms of offices past. I was fairly self-conscious coming out of the stall with two bottles of milk & rinsing the pump parts off in the sink, but I figured, if whoever sees me has kids they'll sympathize, and if they don't, fuck 'em. (Yeah, I'm one of those people now.)

Toward the end of the day I had a discussion with my boss about the long-term telecommuting arrangement. We agreed on two days per week in the office, three days working from home, for the next 6 months. I am pleased.

Then he informed me that we have not one, not three, but TWO lactation rooms in the building! Super special secret rooms just for nursing moms so they don't have to do what I just stupidly did! With their own refrigerators so I don't have to store my breast milk next to Tony the maintenance guy's ham sandwich!

I don't expect it to be in the company newsletter, but I'd been in contact with HR at least a dozen times regarding my pregnancy, maternity leave, and return to work. You'd think they'd mention the lactation rooms at some point. But whatever, I'm thrilled that they exist and look forward to NOT having to pump in the bathroom stall ever again. And, with only having to go into the office two days a week for the next six months, I'm confident I can keep the babe 100% breast fed until she starts solids.

Feelin' good, feelin' good.

Breastfeeding Math: Why Returning to Work and Pumping is a Shitty, Shitty Option

After a long, difficult struggle that I'll save for another post, Kayla and I have finally got this nursing/breasfeeding thing DOWN. What was at first one of the most intimidating aspects of motherhood is now one of my favorite. I won't get into all the amazing benefits of breastfeeding here, but suffice it to say it's a critical part of our relationship, nourishing & soothing her while reinforcing my confidence as parent.

I've spoken to a few women who, after having established a good breastfeeding routine at home while on maternity leave, have had to start supplementing with formula once they went back to work. So as much as I enjoy my job and love my company, I dread being separated from my Treefrog for up to 10 or 11 hours at a time, not only because I'll miss the hell out of her, but because it's likely to damage the nursing relationship.

Let's assume for the moment that the bonding aspect of breastfeeding isn't even an issue. IT IS SO an issue! But let's pretend it's not, and just focus on the nutritional aspects. The goal is to continue exclusively feeding breast milk to baby upon return to work. This is typically accomplished by using a pump.

Consider the following truths:

1. Milk production is driven by symbiosis. Mom's supply changes in response to the frequency and nature of baby's suckling.
2. If everything goes well from the beginning, it takes about 12 weeks to establish the milk supply. (KellyMom.com has a great explanation of this process.)
3. The FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) allows a new mom to be absent from her job for up to 12 weeks total, not necessarily with any compensation for that time.
4. No pump, no matter how advanced or expensive, is as efficient at emptying the breast as a well-latched baby.
5. No formula, no matter how advanced or expensive, comes close to the nutritional value of breast milk.

Already there's a problem: Unless a woman works right up until the day she gives birth, she has to return to work within that critical 3-month window that the supply is being established. This is a recipe for failure, as confirmed by my own experiment with pumping & bottle feeding during the day as a "dress rehearsal" for my return to work. These were my findings:

1. When Kayla is NOT having a growth spurt, she gets hungry about every 3 hours.
2. When she IS having a growth spurt, she's hungry every 1-2 hours. (Yeah, seriously.)
3. It takes her about 10 minutes to empty a breast. One breast typically satiates her, she'll rarely take the second if offered.
4. If I pump for 10 minutes every 3 hours, I get about 2.5 ounces per breast.
5. If she has a bottle every 3 hours, she drinks about 3.5 ounces before she's satisfied.

This solves the mystery of why these women suddenly had to start supplementing with formula. By pumping only as often as my daughter was eating, I lost an ounce every feeding. Since supply changes in response to baby's feeding, this would end up creating a negative feedback loop and decreasing supply while baby continues to grow and get hungrier and hungrier.

In my case, formula isn't an option because A) there's a strong history of food allergies in dad's family and B) formula is gross and makes my baby smell like cheese.

For each day that I'm in the office, I'll need to spend about 1.5 - 2 hours locked in an office somewhere expressing breast milk in order to keep up with the Treefrog's demand. Not the most efficient use of my time, or the company's time for that matter.

Returning to work and pumping is a shitty, shitty option for all involved.

I've requested permission to telecommute full time, and my boss agreed to a one-month trial of this arrangement. I'm extremely fortunate to work for an organization and a boss so flexible, and I hope I can prove in that first month that it's a viable arrangement long-term. I only wish more moms had such options.