An Important Lesson From a Bad Teacher

Mrs. Fineberg was a stubborn, arrogant, 6th grade English teacher who inadvertently taught me a more important lesson than any other teacher I've had.

We were reading Flowers for Algernon. It's a short story in which a scientist experiments with brain-enhancing surgery, first on a lab mouse named Algernon, and then on a rather slow human volunteer named Charlie. Written from the point of view of Charlie, the style of writing changes as he gets smarter and smarter. It changes again later as the effects of the surgery wear off, and he regresses back to his old self. This arc--the initial progress and subsequent regression--is foreshadowed by observations of Algernon. Toward the end, with terrible grammar and occasional spelling mistakes, he writes that Algernon has died. The story ends with only the implication of a conclusion.

Our assignment was to write two essays: one as "Smart Charlie," shortly after the surgery, and one as "Dumb Charlie," after he'd lost any intellectual advantage the surgery had given him. I don't remember the contents of my essays, but the second one, written as Dumb Charlie, included some spelling and grammatical errors. 

On the first essay, I was graded an A. On the second, which was written within the same 45 minute period as the first, I got a C-. All of my spelling and grammatical errors, even the ones that obviously mimicked the "mistakes" in the book, were circled in red.

I decided to bring this to Mrs. Fineberg's attention at the end of class, to clear up the misunderstanding. I was sure she'd be embarrassed by her mistake, and approached her cautiously as she fussed with the papers on her desk getting ready for her next class. I showed her my paper and politely made my case. 

I did not get the response I'd expected.

"The grade stands. Your paper was riddled with errors," she said, without even looking up from her desk.

"But... they were *intentional* errors, put there on purpose to make it look more authentic!"

"Yeah, right." She actually made a face and roller her eyes. My teacher! To this day, whenever I see an adult casually dismissing a child, I picture Mrs. Fineberg's eyes, rolling... just rolling and rolling into oblivion. It infuriates me.

"You told us to write like Dumb Charlie!" I was getting angry. Poor grades were a Very Big Deal in my house. "Here. Look. If I didn't know how to spell, why would this other essay be perfect?"

She refused to believe me. She didn't even glance up at the essays as I held them side by side. As far as she was concerned, the grades were recorded, and anything I had to say now was irrelevant.

For a moment, nothing made any sense. I'd gotten poor grades before, but whenever I did, it was because I didn't understand the material, or didn't put in very much effort. But now, not only was I being penalized for what I considered to be creativity, but I was basically accused of lying in an attempt to get a better grade. Why would she think such a thing?

And then, a strange thought hit me--a slow realization that conflicted with my blind belief that all teachers were, by definition, smarter and wiser than their students.

"Are... are you an idiot?"

Her eyes finally pointed directly at me. They were wide and full of rage. It seemed like forever before she finally said anything, but when she did, it was only a whisper.

"How daaaare you."

In hindsight, Mrs. Fineberg's grading error was probably due to the fact that she had hundreds of essays to grade, and didn't have time to notice which ones were done by the same student. And she probably didn't want to hear my complaint because she was scrambling to prepare for her next class. From my brief stint as a science teacher, I know first hand just how daunting the teaching profession can be, and how utterly hopeless it feels to navigate a broken school system, angry parents, and too many kids with little to no support. I couldn't do it, myself. After a few short months in the system, I left and went back to my career as an IT analyst. I have great respect and admiration for the teaching profession and those who stick with it. I honestly don't know how they stay sane.

Anyway there I was, back in the 6th grade, shocked and disgusted at the shattered illusion of teacher omnipotence. I expressed this revelation and the emotional toll it was taking on me in the only way I knew how: Crazed screaming at Mrs. Fineberg. Calling her an idiot. Telling her I hated her. I hate you, you idiot, I HATE YOU!

If I could pinpoint a moment in my adolescence that I went from Model Student to Snot-Nosed Punk, that was probably it. 

As I got older, I left behind most of my contrary attitude, sense of entitlement, and inexplicable need to rebel against everything. And thank goodness, because I was pretty intolerable.

However, to this day, I'm still skeptical toward self-proclaimed experts,institutions, and authority figures. I wouldn't go so far as to call it a distrust, but my trust in nearly all important things that I don't experience first hand (and some things that I do) are provisional, pending second opinions, research, discussion, and meditation. 

I firmly believe that even the smartest, most qualified people make mistakes more often than we'd like to think, especially when they are forced to operate within a broken system. I include myself and other people I respect in that estimation, and so I welcome opportunities to be wrong, because those are lessons best learned. Like everyone, I certainly have a lot to work on, but in general I'm a thoughtful, happy (though often frustrated at the general complacency and intellectual laziness of modern society), well-balanced human being--one who puts great effort into teaching my own children to be self-dependent critical thinkers.

And for all of that, I owe stubborn old arrogant Mrs. Fineberg my deepest gratitude.

Better than a Book of Baby Names

When I got pregnant and started thinking about names, I didn't buy any baby name books. Instead I wrote a script that combined pleasant sounds to form a long list of phonetic baby names.

I knew I wanted something with two syllables, and that with a last initial of H, I didn't want my child to have initials that spelled something stupid like "EH" or "AH" or "OH." I also knew that I preferred something that ended with an "ee" or "ah" sound in nickname form.

So I listed out the letters and sounds I would consider, grouped them into four different arrays, and wrote a quick javascript function that would print out all eight thousand three hundred and sixteen combinations of them. Then I sat down with a nice cup of tea and read each of the names out loud.


The full list can be found here:

Baby Name Generator Output: Niki's List of Phonetic Baby Names


My first daughter's name, Kayla, can be found on line #3,084. The script came in handy again two years later. My second daughter's name, Zoe, appears on line #8,225.

That's pretty much the end of the list, though, so we're not having any more kids.

I'm not teaching my daughters to be "nice." I'm teaching them how to be appropriate.

I said this to a friend the other day and his response was, "That doesn't make any sense. How is she supposed to know what's appropriate?"

It's actually the ambiguity of the word that I was drawn to. Because really, there is no single behavior that works in all situations. You would think that "nice" would be it, but let's take a closer look:

nice
1. pleasing; agreeable; delightful: a nice visit.
2. amiably pleasant; kind: They are always nice to strangers.


I knew this word would be problematic when my daughters started accusing me of being "not nice" whenever I enforced consequences that they weren't happy with, such as withholding dessert if they didn't eat dinner, or leaving a restaurant if they were incapable of appropriate behavior.

My suspicion was confirmed when my 3-year-old revealed that nearly every day at daycare, she played with a classmate whose actions made her uncomfortable. He was a nice kid, not mean-spirited, but he always wanted to play "shoot," where he would make a gun with his hand and shoot at her. (More on guns and gun-play later; but for now just know that she did not like this game.)

"Maybe next time you can tell him you don't want to play that game, and suggest another game instead," I offered. 

"I did, but he never wants to play other games."

"Well, I think it's important to play a game you will both enjoy. If he insists on playing games that upset you, you can stop playing with him and spend time with other friends instead." 

"But it's not nice to not play with someone! My teacher said it's mean!"

For a second I perturbed by the fact that her teacher would classify her wish not to engage in activities she was uncomfortable with as "mean." But then I remembered that I've probably told her almost the exact same thing at one time or another. It was then that I realized that I had been dividing the world into tidy categories of "nice" and "not nice," which is a simple and effective way to set behavior expectations for a toddler, at least within a very narrow context.

What it does not do, is prepare the child to evaluate new situations and determine the best course of action.

It's like teaching a kid to memorize multiplication tables before they understand what multiplication is, conceptually. Yes, 4 x 5 = 20. But do you understand why?

A child that understands the process of arriving that answer will be able to figure out what 11 x 5 is on her own. A child who only knows the answer because he memorized it won't have the tools necessarily to figure out problems he hasn't already seen and memorized the answer to. In the long run, understanding the process is more important than knowing the answer.

And so it goes with behavior and socialization.

My daughter and I had a long conversation about what it means to be kind to others, and how to balance that with her own right to feel safe and enjoy herself. I haven't removed the word "nice" from my vocabulary, but I do try to reserve it for when she's already thought about the specific situation, relationships, and emotions in play. The directive to "be nice," on its own, is meaningless without the rationale behind it.

Over time, she and her sister will  learn to recognize that people have different tastes and tolerances, and that while it's perfectly OK to have negative feelings like fear and anger, they should be in the habit of thinking things through to determine if what they're doing is ultimately the best course of action for themselves, their friends, their communities, and the world.

This is a fairly complex concept to a 3-year-old, but it's one that takes years to really understand and practice with competence. Best that we start practicing now.

GameStop, you disappoint me.

When I heard that GameStop was opening new "GameStop Kids" popup stores around the country in time for the holidays, I was psyched! With all the positive attention video games have been getting lately, maybe they're starting to recognize the awesome potential market for games and gaming spaces for younger kids. I imagined browsing shelves lined with video games that might be appropriate for a pre-schooler, like LEGO Harry Potter, or Monkey Quest, or maybe some newer stuff I've never heard of. Perhaps they'd be intermingled with table games and puzzles and all kinds of products that trigger the same kinds of challenges and benefits that many video games do. Awesome!

Turns out most of the products that will be sold at GameStop Kids are game-themed accessories and paraphernalia. In fact, CEO Paul Raines said, "This is really a way for us to take share away from people who are in the toy business."

Oh. Well, not quite what I had in mind, but that could still be cool, assuming you carry products that are unique and fun for kids. So, what kinds of toys do you have?

Really? I mean, I love Doctor Who, but I think the only thing that would interest my child less than attempting to drink from a TARDIS mug would be collecting it. Next?

These things are ubiquitous, I can get them anywhere. I can get them at my grocery store. Next.

It's Moist! Oh wait, no. Next!

Jesus. Ok, I know there are kids out there who have cell phones, but since when is an Android case considered a kids' product?




Obviously this is not a "KIDS" store. I don't even know why they called it that. It is a play for the video game toy market--effectively a way for the business to add to its bottom line without really adding much value.

And it's a shame, because I think there's a market for a store like the one I was imagining. A store that's chock full of games designed just for kids, where you can find not just kid-friendly video games but table games, 3D puzzles, maybe a book of math riddles and some of those iron twisty things that you have to pull apart and put back together without a blowtorch. Some open space for kids and parents to try out the games, maybe some computers and consol stations set up to try out new video game titles. There could be classes and game nights (that start at 3pm) and a chess club that teaches strategy to 4th graders!

I would totally shop at a store like that. Wouldn't you? Come on GameStop. You're almost onto something good.

Discipline and Skill Building (or, how to get your kid to go the f**k to sleep)

For the longest time I treated my 4-year-old daughter's refusal to go to bed at night as a discipline problem. And it was, just not in the sense that she was intentionally going against my wishes, but in the sense that she lacked the discipline necessary to fall asleep.

I can relate-- most nights I have trouble falling asleep myself. I find it difficult to quiet my mind for long enough to drift off. There's always some idea, or something I had to do, that snaps my mind back into wakefulness. When it happens to adults we call it stress, but when it happens to our kids, we treat them as though they're misbehaving. (Incidentally, trouble falling asleep at night is one sign of an intelligent child.)

We often use the term "discipline problems" as a euphemism for behavioral issues. But discipline is an internally developed skill. Avoidance of punishment is one possible motivation, but in the long run, not a very effective one. No wonder instructions like, "Listen, tonight at bedtime, I want you to lie in bed QUIETLY. No jumping around, no games with your sister, no getting up and playing with your toys. Just stay in bed and Go. To. SLEEP."

She would say, "I don't want to!" but the truth is, she just didn't know how.

Kids WANT to learn. As much as we want them to stay little, they want to grow up and become bigger, smarter, faster, better than they currently are.

My daughter started sleeping much better the day I told her, "We're going to practice falling asleep tonight. It can be really hard sometimes, but if you practice, you'll get better and better at it, just like writing your name or climbing the big ladder at the park. It'll take a little while, but I KNOW you can do it."

Where discipline techniques fail, faith and encouragement prevail.

On Anger

Like the full spectrum of human emotion, anger happens. And that's OK.

But periodically we must evaluate our emotional experiences and make a conscientious decision to either follow the path dictated by our whatevery flood of hormones & chemicals happens to be washing over our brains in that moment, or temper them and take a more rational approach.

Anger is one of many normal, natural responses to pain. When the source of that pain has the intention to inflict harm on you, anger can be extrememly useful. If you are in real and immediate danger, embracing anger can give you the strength (both physically and mentally) to respond appropriately to such a threat.

However, if your pain is the result of the ignorance, indifference, or neglect of others, anger will only serve to add to the frustration and confusion of everyone, yourself included. You'll experience it, and should definitely acknowledge it, but as a tool for resolving the conflict and ending your pain, anger is basically useless. 

I believe that most people are well-meaning, but many are oblivious. This oblivion is the cause of much of the pain we experience in modern life. That is why it is so important to possess and nurture other means of problem-solving besides anger and violence.

Means such as:
Compassion
Forgiveness
Self-respect
Self-confidence

These are all tools that can be used to cope with loss, reduce fear, and alleviate suffering. They aren't just inherent personality traits; they are skills that must be developed and practiced.

When you attempt to put anger aside and reach for another solution to your problem, and find your toolbox empty, what else can yo do but fall back on the tools you have available?

Why I gave Indie Game: The Movie a shot

I first heard of Indie Game: The Movie at SXSW last year, around the same time I started immersing myself in all things game industry. I wasn't able to see it then, but I was excited about it. It recently became available on Netflix Instant, which ironically I learned through a tweet by someone announcing that they would be ignoring said movie.

I replied to ask why the hate on Indie Game, and in the subsequent exchange was presented with the following idea. This was a few weeks ago so I hope I'm representing it faithfully:

- Mainstream video game culture and the video game industry is drenched in Straight White Dudes ("SWDs").
- Indie Game's main subjects appear to be stereotypical SWDs.
- Non-SWDs need role models in video game development & publishing to achieve parity.

I don't disagree on any particular point, but my perspective is a little different and I probably did a poor job expressing it in tweets. So here's where I'm coming from. Keep in mind I haven't actually seen the film yet so for all I know it's a total piece of shit. So this isn't a review of the movie itself, but rather why I'm happy that it was made at all.

Focus
The topic of the movie is simply indie game publishing. I don't think the identity of the person making the game detracts from that topic. A movie about a gay Asian female game designer could be AWESOME, but that's not what this movie happens to be about and that's OK. In fact, sometimes when the scope of a documentary is too wide, the end product seems unfocused, because there isn't enough time to fully explore every facet of a situation.

Availability
To my knowledge, there currently aren't any other widely available documentaries about indie video game development. As someone with aspirations to make game development a larger part of life, I welcome any opportunity to learn something from the experience of one who's already doing it. If it were a movie about the staff of EA games and their latest title, I would be just as interested to see that, too, because it's unknown to me. I'm not going to turn down a learning opportunity just because it's not subculture enough.

Perspective
As I watch Indie Game, I will be fully aware that this is one person's experience, and not necessarily representative of all indie projects everywhere. I have no idea if the film will come across as preachy in some way, or misrepresent the process, but I do know that it will be the story of a particular journey or a particular group of people. It's a documentary, not a peer-reviewed scientific paper. As with any media consumption, the viewer must maintain perspective and decide what lessons to take away.

Participation
Another documentary that I enjoyed earlier this year, MissRepresentation, focuses on the presentation of women in the media, and the effect that presentation has on girls. One of the quotes from the movie and something I've seen repeated is, "You can't be what you can't see." In other words, if a young girl isn't exposed to female role models, she won't be able to imagine herself growing up to do her thing of choice. Frankly I think that's bullshit, and more on that later, but suffice it to say that if every young girl waited for a female role model to come along before she worked toward being a female mathematician, banker, programmer, or business owner, there wouldn't be any. We should be teaching our daughters to find role models wherever they can, not based on gender but based on what people are DOING.

Books about Games for People who Prefer Books to Games

I've always had an interest in game development but categorized it alongside astronaut, musician, and artist as a fantastical but ultimately impractical and silly career choice. (A pretty cynical worldview that I've since changed, but unfortunately for me, that's what college-Niki believed.)

A multitude of random events (roller derby, job dissatisfaction, and a trip to SXSW, to name a few) helped rekindle my interest in game development. A lot of what I've learned via software development & systems design is applicable to game design, but I have some way to go before my skills catch up with my ambitions.

So did what I always do when faced with the unknown: I started reading books--lots of them. And the ones I found more interesting were less about game development as a practice, and more about the role of games in our culture, civilization, and humanity.

Here are the three that made the biggest impression on me:

1. Rise of the Videogame Zinesters by Anna Anthropy

By far the best and most inspiring book I've read lately. The full title is Rise of the Videogame Zinesters: How Freaks, Normals, Amateurs, Artists, Dreamers, Drop-outs, Queers, Housewives, and People Like You Are Taking Back an Art Form. (As of this writing there is exactly one paper copy left in stock on Amazon. If you don't have an eReader, QUICK GO BUY IT.)

I have this book to thank for solidifying in my mind the idea that games are the perfect artistic medium to express complex ideas. Previously any connection that I'd made between art and games had to do with graphics or animation. Those are still important components, but the game as a whole is a piece of art, and can only be fully appreciated by being played. On a personal level, I found sudden harmony between my desire to create and my desire to play.

While I found the greatest value of this book to be in the author's perspective of games and the mainstream game industry, it also includes a primer on game development tools that are freely available for anyone to use. The author's site and links to her own games can be found at auntiepixelante.com.

2. Reality is Broken by Jane McGonigal

Where Rise of the Videogame Zinesters helped me to see the connection between art and games, Reality is Broken helped me to see how games can and do have a tangible impact on the real world.

Before Jane McGonigal wrote Reality is Broken: Why Games Make Us Better and How They Can Change the World, she spent years studying video games and the affects they have on the people who play them. Much to the relief of parents everywhere, what she found was very positive. Games challenge and engage us in ways that the real world does not, by being really good at helping us achieve a state of "flow" and giving us frequent cause to celebrate success.

The author is game designer herself, and specializes in games that have real and lasting impacts on the world.

3. Gamestorming by Dave Gray, Sunni Brown, and James Macanufo

Unlike the first two books, this one deals a lot more with practicalities. However, the "how" isn't about how to design video games or board games, but how to use the principles of gamification in a business setting. The exercises in Gamestorming: A Playbook for Innovators, Rulebreakers and Changemakers can inject some fun into the dry and stressful business of ... well, business.

Reading through the list of games feels similar to reading a list of project management and facilitation tools (RACI chart, Stakeholder Analysis, Mood Board, Value Mapping) because really, that's exactly what they are. But the authors re-frame these tools into a set of rules and procedures that feels less like business and more like play. It's really a business book dressed up as a book about gaming, which is what makes it so brilliant, and perhaps a fine example of Jane McGonigal's assertion that games can make reality better.

Small, frequent rewards are more effective than large, distant ones.

Witness:

Case #1 - In The Office

I used to work for a large, evil financial institution. They kinda knew that positive motivation is more effective than negative, but even when they tried to be positive they didn't get it quite right. "If we do well, we'll get a big end-of-year bonus!" my supervisors would say. This would be in February. As weeks and months went by, every challenge was met with promises of a big year-end bonus.

I stayed there for almost 3 years and did see two of those bonuses, which made me feel great right through around January 9th or so. But in the third year, eventually I became so worn down that I left the high-paying but miserable job that many people probably would have loved to have.

Today I'm an independent consultant, and for the most part, I get to pick and choose who I work for and what I work on. Rewards are instantaneous, because I'm lucky enough to work with clients and vendors that appreciate me. I'll take those small, frequent rewards over the end of year bonuses any day, and they don't even cost any money.

Case #2 - In The Dining Room

How do you get a toddler and a pre-schooler to eat their veggies? You explain to them that the benefits of nutrient-dense foods far outweigh what small pleasure they would get from eating junk food.

Just kidding! Your child doesn't give a shit about nutrition. If you're like most parents, you're bribing them with dessert.

But even that doesn't work every time. When my 3-year-old refused to eat her veggies, I enticed her with promises of ice cream. But after a few bites, her excitement at the prospect of ice cream had waned, just as mine for the end-of-year bonus had many years ago.

She didn't care about the ice cream anymore. She just didn't want to deal with the string beans, and she was going to quit. I had to come through with some small, frequent rewards that wouldn't cost me any sugar.
I grabbed a yellow piece of construction paper from her craft area and cut off a bunch of small rectangular "tickets."

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm making special tickets."

"Can I have one?"

"No, you have to earn it. Eat one string bean & I'll give you a ticket."

Without hesitation, she ate a string bean.

"Very good! Here you go. How many tickets do you think you can earn?"

"LOTS!"

She ate the rest of her veggies with no fuss, bouncing with delight each time she earned a ticket.

At the end of her meal, I counted up her tickets. Low and behold, she had earned just enough tickets to trade them in for a small scoop of ice cream--the same scoop that she couldn't muster up the patience to hold out for earlier in the meal.

Same requirements on her part, same result in the end. Small, frequent rewards will do more than long, distant ones almost every time.

Confessions of a Serial Multi-tasker

Hi.

My name is Niki, and I am a serial multi-tasker.

(Hi, Niki!)

I started multitasking just a little bit, you know, once in a while. I found that it really helped me get more done during the day. For example, I would:

• read the news while making coffee
• sew my daughter's patches on her Tae Kwon Do uniform while participating in a conference call
• clean the house while thinking through some rules changes of new board game

All reasonable enough.

But then things started to get out of control. I started catching up on emails from my smartphone while I was at the playground with my kids. I would switch tabs while writing software documentation to look up the year some movie came out.

Soon my work and my relationships began to suffer. I found it more and more difficult to get into the "zone" needed to write code, or create art, or connect with my kids. I became one of those people who would look at my phone while I was talking to you. (Sorry about that.)

I can't give up multitasking altogether, and I don't think it would be wise to try. The fact is, I am busy, and there are not enough hours in the day. But I think I've found a healthy balance between being productive, getting through BS tasks that just need to get done without drowning in them, and being able to prioritize and focus on things that matter.

To start, I made a list of things that are and are not OK to multi-task.

List A - OK to multi-task:

• housecleaning
• listening to music
• preparing meals
• responding to short, simple emails, tweets, etc.
• drinking (e.g. water, coffee; anything that doesn't accompany a meal)
• watching TV

List B - NOT OK to multi-task:

• Spending time with my kids
• Driving
• Eating
• Listening (whether on the phone or in person)
• Writing (including complex or important emails)
• Playing

Every so often, I do something on List A and give it my full, undivided attention. This is a sort of meditation; a pleasant way of practicing my ability to focus. Focus is a skill, as anyone who's sat through a boring lecture or useless status meeting will attest.

Just having the goal and going through the exercise of evaluating my activities and the level of attention they deserve has been enlightening. I can't say I abide by my own rules 100% of the time, but I'm getting there. And being aware of them has made me more efficient, more productive, and most importantly, happier.

Googly Eyes + Pistachios = funtimes

Step 1: Throw a Party

Step 2: Invite children. If you don't know any children, invite awesomely happy adults. If you don't know any of those, supply copious amounts of alcohol.

Step 3: Pass around a bowl of these googly-eyed pistachios. Funtimes!

JammerUp: The Roller Derby Board Game is for sale!

It's been a long road, but the roller derby board game I've been working my ass off on is finally out there.

Here's a list of retailers that carry JammerUp: The Roller Derby Board Game.

SO HAPPY!

Moms: Yer doin' it wrong.

Becoming a mother is one of the most challenging things a woman can do, and there's no telling whether you fucked it all up or not until your kid grows up and becomes an asshole, genius, mama's boy, philanthropist, murderer, artist, or whatever.

Imagine being told that you have a lifelong mission to accomplish. It's perhaps the most important thing you'll ever do. You'll work on it for like 15 years, make huge sacrifices, stretch your physical, emotional and intellectual limits, and have hardly any indication of how you're doing until the job is done. In fact, it's difficult to say how much of the outcome you actually influence. But you are responsible, and accountable, so don't screw it up! OK GO!

Confused? Bewildered? Of course you are. The experience of motherhood (fatherhood, too, but I'm speaking from my own experience here) can make a person extremely self-conscious and vulnerable. Sometimes judging all the terrible decisions of others (i.e., any decision that isn't the same one YOU made) makes you feel a little more confident in your own decisions.

ANd as if it's not enough that we do it to each other on a micro level, exploiting that vulnerability and pitting women against each other sells magazines, creating a huge feedback loop. Once again, on behalf of all womankind, thanks a fucking lot, media!

Stupid article that inspired my anger & this post here. For more such nonsense, look... just about anywhere.

My board game was reviewed on Wired.com!

And they didn't hate it! Read the review for JammerUp here.

Cross-posted from JammerUp.com.

Interview for Wired Magazine’s Geek Dad

Read the interview here!

Cross-posted from JammerUp: The Roller Derby Board Game.