It's actually the ambiguity of the word that I was drawn to. Because really, there is no single behavior that works in all situations. You would think that "nice" would be it, but let's take a closer look:
nice
1. pleasing; agreeable; delightful: a nice visit.
2. amiably pleasant; kind: They are always nice to strangers.
I knew this word would be problematic when my daughters started accusing me of being "not nice" whenever I enforced consequences that they weren't happy with, such as withholding dessert if they didn't eat dinner, or leaving a restaurant if they were incapable of appropriate behavior.
My suspicion was confirmed when my 3-year-old revealed that nearly every day at daycare, she played with a classmate whose actions made her uncomfortable. He was a nice kid, not mean-spirited, but he always wanted to play "shoot," where he would make a gun with his hand and shoot at her. (More on guns and gun-play later; but for now just know that she did not like this game.)
"Maybe next time you can tell him you don't want to play that game, and suggest another game instead," I offered.
"I did, but he never wants to play other games."
"Well, I think it's important to play a game you will both enjoy. If he insists on playing games that upset you, you can stop playing with him and spend time with other friends instead."
"But it's not nice to not play with someone! My teacher said it's mean!"For a second I perturbed by the fact that her teacher would classify her wish not to engage in activities she was uncomfortable with as "mean." But then I remembered that I've probably told her almost the exact same thing at one time or another. It was then that I realized that I had been dividing the world into tidy categories of "nice" and "not nice," which is a simple and effective way to set behavior expectations for a toddler, at least within a very narrow context.
What it does not do, is prepare the child to evaluate new situations and determine the best course of action.
It's like teaching a kid to memorize multiplication tables before they understand what multiplication is, conceptually. Yes, 4 x 5 = 20. But do you understand why?
A child that understands the process of arriving that answer will be able to figure out what 11 x 5 is on her own. A child who only knows the answer because he memorized it won't have the tools necessarily to figure out problems he hasn't already seen and memorized the answer to. In the long run, understanding the process is more important than knowing the answer.
And so it goes with behavior and socialization.
My daughter and I had a long conversation about what it means to be kind to others, and how to balance that with her own right to feel safe and enjoy herself. I haven't removed the word "nice" from my vocabulary, but I do try to reserve it for when she's already thought about the specific situation, relationships, and emotions in play. The directive to "be nice," on its own, is meaningless without the rationale behind it.
Over time, she and her sister will learn to recognize that people have different tastes and tolerances, and that while it's perfectly OK to have negative feelings like fear and anger, they should be in the habit of thinking things through to determine if what they're doing is ultimately the best course of action for themselves, their friends, their communities, and the world.
This is a fairly complex concept to a 3-year-old, but it's one that takes years to really understand and practice with competence. Best that we start practicing now.
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